Inebriated

I feel as if I have waited. For years to feel this feeling. THis gfeeling that has no meaning.

My life seems as an empty husk, lost to all, to everything. to us, to you.

I feel like my love has come and gone, my only options and possibility lost to all the time that has passed. My youth seems of no consequence, I am a lost soul, devoid of solutions. I wish for death. I seek it. And yet it doth not come. I shall look for it for eternity, as I am one of the undying brethren. I do wish for death now that love seems to have deserted me. Now is the time to die. Embrace the nothingness that is there. Look at the nothing and enjoy the one feeling there is left. Uselessness. I wish it would take me at last.

I die, slowly, painfully. And this life is over.

I wake up. The world around me is an unknown, I have no knowledge of it. I can see it does not deviate much from the old one. Suffering can be had for no charge. It is easy to live a life of angst. And so I am unable to see any difference at first. But in time it hits me. We change worlds, but the only thing that changes is luck. It was easy in one, while it is hard in the other. I feel the foolishness now. It puts it all into perspective. I have been a lowlife until now. Pay me and let me live, but do not ask anything of me.

Suffer, feel pain, but do not ask love of me. I have decided. God shall not live anymore. For he is too evil to exist.

So I endeavor to kill my own creator. And of his own volition only may I ever succeed.

Large Hadron Collider

Darkness. Absence of light or presence of darkness?

Hours pass. My mind wanders. I feel not a thing wrong with this world. My soul drinks in the happiness of those around me. They cannot see me or hear me for that matter. Touching is something even more remote. This state I have been in. it is the stuff of dreams, or should I say nightmares. Unable to communicate I have been able to learn. There is nothing I cannot understand. The world is my info terminal. I can reach into it and see.

How much time has passed? I don't know, to be honest I don't care. What I cared for is long gone. Now the only thing that still sparks interest in me is the world itself. The ultimate source of information and still the ultimate source of defeat. What I can do is know. What I cannot do is change. I cannot change anything. I cannot work any magic on the people passing me by. There is no solution for my situation. The years have passed. People have died. I have none to love and none to touch. I followed my loves for a long time, but soon they died, while I endured in this questionable state and have seen the reality oppress all and leave no-one unhurt. We shall all suffer through the days. Solution there is none.

I wish for oblivion. But it will come not.

OF COURSE IT WILL COME.

It's you again isn't it? DEATH. That's what you called yourself when I first saw you. And you still try to tell me that you're the death everybody would talk about. But I have not seen you in years.

I WAS BUSY.

Helping people die? Now really. The joke has been going on long enough. If you're DEATH then why will you not kill me.

I AM DEATH, NOT MURDER. I CAN HARDLY KILL YOU. YOU MUST COME TO DEATH ON YOUR OWN.

Yes we have gone through that already. So why exactly am I here?

IT WAS OF YOUR OWN VOLITION.

My own choice? Now that's new. What do you mean by that? It's true that I was doing some experiments with the collider, but that can hardly be of any consequence, or can it?

YOU HAVE BEEN SPLIT.

Split? What do you mean by that?

IT WAS THE GOD PARTICLE.

The Higgs-Boson? But we had disproved that so long ago.

YES.

Then it cannot possibly exist.

POSSIBLY.

This does not make sense. What do you mean possibly?

IT CANNOT POSSIBLY EXIST, BUT IT CAN EXIST IMPOSSIBLY.

If something is impossible then it cannot exist.

NOW, YOU WERE A PHYSICIST ONCE?

Yes.

WHAT IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY?

Something that cannot exist.

IS IT REALLY? IS THERE SUCH A THING? YOU'RE TALKING TO DEATH AND YOU STILL CLUTCH TO THE POSSIBLE AND IMPOSSIBLE?

What pray tell is impossible?

SOMETHING THAT IS INFINITELY IMPROBABLE.

But that can still exist? So you're telling me that I was very lucky?

IN A WAY...

Just kill me. I cannot bear to look at the people anymore. I feel so powerless. I cannot live anymore in this suffering.

YOU WISH TO END IT ALL?

Yes.

WHY DON'T YOU DO IT THEN?

I can't.

REALLY? DID YOU TRY?

Try? TRY? Are you insane? What do you mean try? I have been trying all this time to change something.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING EXACTLY? HOW TO FEEL MISERABLE? HOW TO FEEL BAD?

So you're telling me that I can change things. You're telling me that I can destroy the universe? What would I be then? God?

ERRR... YES. THAT HAS BEEN THE IDEA ALL ALONG.

How can this be possible? And how come I was not told about it?

WELL, THE GUY BEFORE YOU ASKED ME TO LET YOU GET A FEELING FOR IT BEFORE I INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR REASON OF EXISTENCE.

Guy before me? You mean GOD? You're not making any sense.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GOD.

Okay. So I am god. Can I kill you?

YES.

Can I kill myself?

YES.

Is there anything I cannot do?

NO.

Die.

At that moment DEATH started disappearing slowly. Turning into dust. And then blown away by a breeze.

IT WAS YOUR CHOICE. ENJOY. OH, AND THANKS!

Turns out killing death was a bad idea. And it seems that he lied to me. There is one thing I cannot do. I can never bring him back. The sly bastard.

A dream

I stumble through the streets. My body is heavy, I can barely move. The minutes seem longer and longer. The bar where the reception was held is behind me. Only 40 meters or so. But no-one sees me. The security personnel is oblivious to my presence, my bodyguard has gone somewhere, god knows where.

FAST FORWARD

I am stumbling into a casino. YELLOW. It is full of people but no-one helps me. I half expected security to pick me up, throw me out or call an ambulance. I meet her, Persephone, I have not seen her for years, but she is as beautiful as I have ever remembered her. She looks stunning and I cannot help myself but feel aroused. She looks at me and sees I'm walking strange, at first I half expect her to just ignore me like everybody else but she calmly strolls towards me and kisses me.

I feel like I'm years older. I feel like that time on the station circling Venus. I can feel like I'm in heaven again. It feels so right.

I kiss her back. She drags me to a big yellow room, which is strangely enough devoid of any living souls. What does she want of me is the only question floating in my mind at the moment. And then she starts undoing my shirt. My pants follow. She's taking off her dress. My mind is floating. I'm feeling drowsier and drowsier. I can feel her touching me and I can feel the aching in my groin.

FAST FORWARD

I am outside of the casino. The drowsiness gone, but I'm still srange. Something is changing in my organism, I can feel some kind of drug going through me and my pharmacopoeia is still baffled by it all. There seems to be no drug to counteract it. There seems to be no information of what exactly it is.

I am slowly slipping into the space between sleep and wakefulness. I am still here, I am still walking, but my mind is changing. My thoughts are not my own anymore. They wonder. And I can feel the change in tone and the wish for more.

FAST FORWARD

I wake up in an unknown bed. On the left Persephone, on the right her daughter Leia. I feel shame rising and at the same time a throbbing sensation at the groin. I cannot help myself but feel aroused by the most beautiful women alive. This world has gone mad. What am I doing here in a hotel room with the wife and daughter of the most powerful man in the universe. How can I be the defiler of the Owner's possessions.

I move out of the bed, still drowsy, but feeling that there is something missing. The strange feeling inside is still going on, i check the pharmacopoeia and there is no response. It is dead. There is no security for my life, I can suffer a heart attack and the drugs will not be automatically administered to stop it and save my life. I might as well shoot myself. There is no chance for me.

Then again I could wait for the Owner's goons. They would take care of the problem for me. By slowly killing me and making me suffer for my degrading actions.

The one thing that bothers me is:

„Why?“

I have not chosen this. I do not even have the slightest recollection of this. This has been like eating an apple and not tasting it. It was like having the best massage and not feeling it, like having listened to the best performance while not hearing a single note. I do not understand what is happening. All the technology installed in me has failed me. There are no recordings, no safety and no memories. I do not know what to do anymore.

There is only one instinct left. It says: „Run“. It keeps repeating it, it started shouting it long ago. So, if only to shut it up, I do.

I run on and on, get off of the planet and hide in an asteroid belt.

FAST FORWARD

I am standing over a dead body. A knife in my right hand, bloody and gory, some unknown part of the being in front of me still attached to the knife. I try to remember what happened, but the only thing in my mind is hiding, and now this? I am standing over this lifeless body that I do not even know, I do not see who he is, inadvertently I move closer, I try to see who it is when it dawns on me. Those robes, only one person is allowed to wear them, only one person can own them, and in term he owns the whole universe. I could not see it from all the blood and gore, but now I

knew, I had killed the Owner.

Time seemed to speed up right then, I could feel adrenaline pumping through my veins and I could feel some force inside me giggling through a grin. It was laughing at me. It was happy with the outcome, and it wanted me to die, slowly.

I jumped the first ship i could and was out of the current galaxy in minutes.

FAST FORWARD

I am at the helm of the private-transport-vessel Carina. I am behind the controls and I can only see a star in front of us. There is a distant alarm going on in the cockpit, but I cannot hear it. All I can hear is a maniacal laughter inside of me. It is gloating and it is happy. Before I forget about everything else I manage to check the master HUD. It says impact unavoidable. The engines have been detached. We are on an impact course without possibility of escape. So we will die.

„You will die.“

I could barely make it out from all of the maniacal laughter in my head. And suddenly it stopped.

„Yes, you will die. I have succeed. I have finally killed the Owner. I have managed to destroy the remains. And now my friend, it is your time. Your memories will be rushing back any minute. My strength is gone and so will be the spell. Enjoy your trinkets before you die a quick death in the furnace of the universe.“

With that the pharmacopoeia came back on line and was administering drugs that were slowly calming me, but I stopped it. I needed the clarity to escape. And then the memories came. My mind was overrun with all the pleasures I had had in the time of my temporary insanity. I could see my movements, I could see myself moving on and I could see the deaths of the guards and the death of the Owner. I could see the gloating way in which I dismembered him.

There was no more time. I had to turn around. But there was no solution to it. The slow maniacal laughter was still there, but behind some wall, hiding.

„Who are you?“

„I'm you, I have always been you, I have always given you what you could not get, even when there was no way for it. I am here, but I am nowhere at the same time. I have no life, but I live all the same. I have no feelings, but I am made only of them. You will die and I will die with you, but I will still live. I am as ancient as the universe and as young as the youngest bit of the start before you.“

„You are nothing and no-one, you are not me or anyone else, you are the one who will hate us all while feeling the deepest love for all of humanity. You will kill us with no remorse while still mourning the lifeless bodies. What have I done to merit such a treatment. What have I done?”

“Nothing, wrong is nothing to me. All you have to know is that you will die. And I will live. And I will gloat. And I have won.”

Change of a lifetime

Her eyes captivate me. They make me wish for the unthinkable. I want her to merge with me and see what I see, feel what I feel. I wish for us to enjoy the old pleasures that have been taken away.

We have evolved. We can see things we could not before, we can feel the faintest breeze and touch the smallest point. We can feel the tiniest prick on our hands, and we can smell the faintest smell. But we cannot anymore love. We have lost the ability, not lost, removed it with our own hands. To become something more. Something which cannot be stopped and will not be distracted by our own inefficacies. And so it was removed. Taken. Destroyed.

The ones who could still feel it have been segregated. They have been herded like cattle, as that is what they must be since they have not been able to step onto the highest step of evolution with us. They are unworthy and cannot be tolerated. So we herd them and feed them, but first we sterilize them. They shall not poison our genetic material with their inferiority. They will live out their life and be without any children, as only we are pure enough to bear the most important fruit, our own progeny.

The days passed, the loving ones grew old and weak. At last they died. They had met their own demise in a right and true way. They had helped us become more by leaving this place and enabling us to take it and make it better. The world has since thrived. We have expanded immensely and have come to the end of ability for the world, so we are expanding onwards. And will live in time in the whole universe, populating it with our intelligence and logical thinking. The will be no more feelings. Our own race will gain absolute power and reign supreme.

But you love her.

We will see what is true and keep on going in this world you call your own. We will take overe every last vestige of your life and make it ours. This has been foretold and this is what we have to carry out.

She loves you as well.

There will be no acceptance of feelings from any of our soldiers and they will kill as many enemies as possible.

You need her close.

I am one of the select few. The ones that have been deemed strong and pure enough to choose for our civilization, we are the ones who have the right to move on and change the common knowledge, change our goals.

You love her.

We will be the ones to determine our future moves and doings.

You love her!

Are these what they call feelings? What is this pain in my chest. Why am I clutching it. Should I report myself. Am I malfunctioning? What is going on? Why does Darr's face keep coming up in my mind? What has happened to me. This cannot be true. I am clean. I am pure. I have no feelings.

You had no feelings.

What is this voice in my head? What is it trying to tell me? What do you mean 'had'?

You have evolved.

Evolved? Getting feelings means evolving? That is devolution, pure and simple. I refuse to go back to the useless times when our people were just puppets of their own feelings. I will not give up what we have accomplished.

You love her. You cannot forget your feelings. You will continue to feel this sensation. This will never end.

I cannot accept this. I must turn myself in.

And loose her forever?

What? What do you mean loose? They will make me better, there must be something wrong, my brain must have had an error. There must be a logical explanation.

Love is not an error, it is not a function, love just 'is'.

This is unacceptable. I will not tolerate this. I, I, I, I'm turning myself in.

After a brief exchange with an officer on the phone he was informed that they would be picking him up shortly. After minutes that passed like hours he heard a knock. He opened the door to see the last thing he would ever see in his life. The light was so beautiful and bright. The warmth so welcoming. He felt joy as his brain exploded and was spattered all over the room. The laser hummed after the firing. The heat emanating from the capacitors a dead giveaway of firing.

Darr walked into the room, searched for any evidence of her ever existing in his life. She found none. Crying she collapsed to the floor.

You loved him. Why did you do it? What have you accomplished?

Slowly she takes out a remote. It looks as any other remote but for the concealed button just behind the battery cover. She removes it and presses the button. The world is enveloped by a bright red glow, she feels the warmth and hopes she will be reunited with Trim on the other side. Provided there is one.

Night of light

I would like to thank Michael for the help on this piece:

As the days pass on and the nights become the unsung kings of the time the one person to shun it all is the one who will come to love them most.

The nights seem to beckon to us. To join them and enjoy them, to see the deepest dark within them and feel the dread and love that is born within it. We look at them and choose to fear, while love lurks deep behind a haunted veil and screams in pain when we forget it. But the nights beckon to her in a way noone can see. She walks in the night and feels the love hidden in the dark, whimpering and wishing for a new chance. So she takes the cold hand and infuses it with light. The light that shines upon all of us at night.

The moon becomes the beacon in the sky, people can see that love cannot just be passed by. We need the feeling that changes us inside, we need it to be to live in the night. The fear is then shunned, it is pushed out of sight, as we keep on hoping for the most beautiful night. But hope is not all that in the night it is born, what then we have all is the move and the thorn, that prickles the skin, make the blood run in a thin, line which we hope will bring us back to the rope. The rope that leads the way to the future that can say: "Oh all my loves that be, come with me and i'll make you see that I'm the one with which you want to be."

So we take on the night. We enjoy it's best sight. We see the new dawn and we hope and go on. Our hearts have been unlatched. Our own sight has been touched. What we want now to be is a part of the we. We want to belong, to all together sing a song, an ode may it be to the love that in the night, makes us all see that we are meant not to be me but to change and be we.

They made us so

As one day I walk through the door I feel a little tug at my sleeve. I look at it and nothing is there. I can feel it again, but nothing seems to be there. I shrug it off as a random feeling but cannot help feeling puzzled.

I continue on my day. I do my job, the very exciting job of searching for lost cats.

Who would ever have thought that cats would become such a rare commodity, noone expected it, but soon the reports of missing cats started pouring in. On that fated monday. At first it was paranoia, but then the people noticed the cats would seem gone but you could still feel their presence somehow. They would still seem to have a want for food or milk. They would not be seen, but the milk and food would vanish, straight into thin air.

As time passed people needed help, and where there is a need there is a profit.

So I opened a cat finding business. And sometimes I would succeed, sometimes the cat would just turn up in front of me, sometimes I would get it straight into my face and would be forced to shake it off. But never have I found one of the invisible ones, so I was already putting it down to myth or old women's tales. But neither made any sense.

And then it would start, the small tugs, the feeling of something watching. A low purr as I accidentally rubbed against some furniture. As the days passed into months such occasions would grow more and more common. These days I could not go for an hour without getting the strange feeling.

But it was always fleeting, just as if it was some thought at the back of my mind. Something that noone would remeber, something all would forget.

And the days passed, finding cats, sometimes not seeing any at all.

The day I met Sam will be one I will never forget:

I was asked to recover a cat, older than any before. I was given a photo and told a name. The reward would be great but I would have to bring back the cat to see any of it.

And so I started on an epic journey that comprised of such things as walking, talking and looking.

As any and all of my investigations this one was mostly boring. The interesting stuff happened to other people. Nothing of importance would ever happen to me.

That was until I met Sam. Sam was of course, not unexpectedly, being the cat. And Sam definitely was THE cat.

He was the reason. And above all he was the ruler.

We had not known, we had thought ourselves in control, all the while Sam and his subjects were pointing us in the way the wanted us to go. We did whatever they wanted and helped us think we were the rulers. A small nudge here, a prod there, a carefully placed paw into a lap. We were being played like chums, and our own belief that we are the best has never wavered since. We have decided the fate of our civilization for ages have we not?

And this is the story that Sam told me:

There once was a cat, who foresaw the rise of a new people, people who would be able to understand them and who would see to their needs in time. But the one thing the old cat saw was a Chance. He had been a student for many a year, they had studied if it was possible for new life forms to evolve, for new creatures as intelligent as them to roam this blue furball called earth.

So he proposed the Test: " Place this new species in a controlled enviroment and conceal our own intelligence, do not change their behaviour, do not give them intelligence. Let it come."

So we sat and watched over humanity, avoiding any interfering. The years passed and turned into centuries, the centuries into millenia. And after years of following the one Rule: "Do not interfere", it was removed by one of us. The leader at the time decided humanity needed guidance and as such removed the Rule. He would still not tolerate his subjects to show their intelligence, but we were free to manipulate from the shadows.

And so we rule the world. You people believe us and love us. There were wars, but we would not stop them, for we believe you humans needed them the same as you believe we need the string you sometimes dangle in front of us (Which curiously enough we think of as playtime for our own pets, humans).

And then it came, the day of the first cat to move away from the phisical and into the place of the souls. A day of happiness and love, as it was time for us to reveal ourselves. To show you what we have learned and to make you see what is wrong. For we will not be here for long anymore. And you will have to live your own lives, without your masters and friends.

What we overlooked was our own evolution. We became enamored with yours so ours did not pose any interest to us, or we would have seen. Some of my brethren have gone to nirvana as you humans would put. They have attained another plane, another option. And so they are forced to leave this place in search for new and exciting lands.

But we felt we needed to help you. We felt you would not be able to survive without our help. We were afraid you would kill yourselves in one of your wars. And so some of us stayed, to change you to the better and to make you survive. We feel now that you will be able to survive without us.

Because of this I have felt that I have to break the last rule. I have felt that I need to tell one of you so you will forever know. Where the cats went and who the cats were.

Goodbye.

At that moment there came a slight woosh. And Sam was gone, as was my business model. The days of the cats slowly dissapeared. At first there was confusion, but later the world just started again. We were happy and we thrived, and in time, we hope, we will join the cats on the higher plane, but this time as equals.

The truth out there - or how to spot a difference

As I live from day to day and enjoy my life, sometimes things change, and sometimes it's for the worst. But I never see it. The truth is useless. I see what I see and I like to do it like that. There are no limits, nothing you cannot do, the only attitude I know is "Can DO! Will DO!". Giving up will not bring you to being great.

Sometimes I embellish the truth, sometimes it is for myself, sometimes for others, sometimes it does not have a reason. You can call it lying, but if that's what it is; I have been lying to myself for my whole life, and my life has been better for it. There is no news here, it is something I have known for a long time. What you do is what you are, what you are is what you love, what you love is everything that ever counts.

So the days go on, I live, I love, I feel, I cry, I lie. But the point of it all is the change in the world, it stems from us all.

What I must not forget is people, friends, family, lovers.
And I am truly thankful for the last week that has passed, I have met an amazing bunch of people, some of them I had known before, some of them I have met for the first time. I will miss them dearly as they have left a mark on my heart a sense of longing has been gripping me for the last two days.

For friends we may be
you, him, they, me.
We will always come
to see it again
how we together have lain
the days that have passed
hoping the time will soon be
for me and you again to be we.

The days will pass
I will see a new mass
the people and streets
but what I will miss will be
all the people's greets,
missing the wave
never being a slave
but once giving up
and hoping for a new crave.

It will never come,
I will hope for some,
of the newest drug,
but I will end up smug,
thinking of the times,
I have met people aplenty,
and then I will again feel,
just a little bit empty.

The lifeless life

Woke up. Morning. Cannot remember going to sleep. The lingering dream slowly escapes me and I find myself trapped in the everyday.
Again I find myself doing the same old, same old. Not even remembering if the dream I had had been amazing or downright normal.

That's how days pass lately. Nothing new, nothing special, all the same.

Back to the loss of time called life. This thing I'm not living anymore. I'm just continuing on this path I put myself on, was in part put on, and keep going at it with the speed of a freight train and with as much excitement.

The days pass, turn into months and I don't see anymore what the point in life it. I decide to end it. Here lies John will be written on the tombstone overlooking my grave. My usual grave in the usual cemetery of the usual man.

I wake up in the morning. I'm still alive. I had taken enough pills to kill a horse but I'm still breathing. And the lingering dream lingers a bit more than usual. And I remember something about control. Gone again!

The day passes as any other. But I only think of finishing what I started. So the rope is set, there is a chair. And I can feel myself drift into nothingness as the rope tightens around my neck. The chair making the usual thud as it falls.

Morning. Dream lingering. The feeling of control from the dream gets stronger. It captivates me. I want to keep it forever. And as I think about it it's gone. There is no more. The memory gone. The dream a thing of the past.

The chair is still on the floor. The rope hangs, unused right above it.

Another day. Dying the prevailing thought.

I get home, fill up the tub. Prepare wires, replace the fuse with a nail. Go into the water, drop the wires, drift into nothingness.

The dream stays there for long. I can see myself controlling it all, the world is my slave, it does what I want. Even waking up I can still feel a small amount of the power permeating through me. I feel like I can still bend it to my will. And then. Nothing.

Another day. I wish I was dead already.

This time I decide to take it beyond failure. I climb on top of the highest building in town. And jump off. As I hit the pavement, so does the pain. I drift into nothingness.

I wake up, in my usual bed, with the dream painfully scorched into my mind. I can see the way I did it in the dream. I see I can still do it. I can control the world. I can change it. I can meld it to my wishes. Anything I want will happen. So I decide this would be a nice day to die. I think of it. I choose it.

There is a big woosh. John dissapears while standing in the middle of the road. And the people around him act as if he never existed.

Slowly reality collapses. The only reason for it's existence gone.

Morning comes never again.

Evolve

Change the way you think,

move from darkness to the light

reach for the newest might

be the only real link.

Keep us al together,

let us move from there to here,

make us forget about the fear

take us all on the journey

bringing light into our eyes

making us renounce the lies.

What we do is what we are

when we do it is the time

that will help us change the world

make the story be re-told.

I wish for honey

I wish for bees

I wish for enemies on their knees

I wish for stories to be told

I wish for days to last and hold.

What I want is of no concern,

let us all just live and learn.

We have come so far, have we not?

We have learned so much, have we not?

We have done so much, have we not?

But really, have we?

Have we progressed from our own existence that has been going on for millenia?

Deep inside us the animal resides,

it feeds on hatred and keeps us sparse.

What it wants is not small nor thin,

it wants to feed, to wear our skin.

I'm wandering through my mind and losing myself. Feeling at a loss and not knowing when I will be going out from here, feeling the love and hate that all feel.

What strikes me as strange is that I feel that I know, I know people as much as you can, but still they can't really understand. Knowing somebody does not depend on time, it depends on the feelings that reside in you. As many may know as you might by now, I am an idealist, and I might be a bir romantic at that. I believe that there is something good in everybody, so that is what I seek. I also believe that you can "know" people without knowing them. I believe you can know them in an instant, when you meet. Time is relative, personalities are not.

Desperation

As the world collapses around you, the only thing that you still see is yourself. Trapped between life and death you struggle and try to free yourself from a fate that is as inevitable as it is cruel. You feel your heart being squeezed by those last few wishes you now know will go unfulfilled forever and you feel regret. Regret that you did not do it all, you regret losing your first love, you regret the desperate things you did to keep yourself the same.

The times change, people go away. You still keep on dying slowly inside, full of regrets, full of wishes, seeing the end come closer and closer to squeezing the last drop out of your chest.

You see the eyes that beckon to you, they wish you would join them. She smiles at you and you feel the pain slacken, you feel the leash tighten as you jump and try to save yourself by grasping at that straw that she represents. And then it is taken. You feel as your fate has never been as cruel, the pain redoubles, you loose control the only wish being to free yourself of the pain. To choose death instead of suffering. You're prepared to jump into the last cowardly action of your life, and in turn take it yourself.

But as you think you have come to the end, as destruction looms over you, as it reaches out the fingers made of bone and hate, of tendons and pain, of cartilage and suffering, the realization dawns on you. You do not wish to be a coward, you wish for a life that changes the bounds of what you are and the what the world thinks, it blurs the vision of a clear early morning as the clouds that were far now clouding your judgement are thinning and loosing control.

You decide for the life, which while still painful does not seem as pointless, you go through the days and see the nights, the stars show you love, the moon shows compassion. I cannot do differently but feel my passion.

The sword on my throat

the shield on my breast

the weight on my chest.

I feel so confined

the fate she divined

has fallen on me

broken the live

burned the tree.

The twilight it comes

with warriors and drones

it charges at me

makes me not be.

I wish for a night

full of love, of delight,

but the powers that be

cannot let me be.

Destiny

My destiny is my choice. I do whatever I want to, I change it according to my wishes, according to my feelings. I wield my destiny and use it as a sword to strike down my enemies. I use it as a feather with which I stroke my ego. I use it to change my own and other people lives.

And in the end I break free of it and be rid of the things that bind me. I break free and see the changes in the world. I see no enemy, only friends that haven't been met yet. External enemies are created by your own ego, they don't really exist (Reference: Revolver ). We are but tools to our own egos which have the deepest need of preserving themselves.

I am thankful for my friends which support me and make me happy in an amazing myriad of ways, all of which help me develop and grow. I am thankful for it all, but also proud. As I do not believe in a god, I believe in myself, I believe in my abilities, and I believe I can keep on making friends, and nurturing the bonds that they allow me to have.

So what I say today is: Drop it all, go out and make a friend. And forget about enemies. Anyone can make enemies, only few can keep on making friends.

Unnamed

I sing this ode to the ones who feel
to the ones that take the steel
take it cold and make it hot
change it in ways I cannot.

As I hold it in my hand I see
that the feelings flow through me
they keep me warm as I see the form
that keeps me going on and on.

I sing this ode to the ones who feel
the ones that take the cold heart
and give it heat
I wish that many I can meet.

Days before you came

My life going crazy. 
Trying to join myself in thinking.
Days keep going and coming,
my wishes never becoming
the reality I seek.
So each new day makes me weak.
The bliss is all,
all I seek,
give it to me and I will come clear,
I will tell you who I hold dear. 
My wishes devour all that I love,
spit out the greatest fear.
Make it attack from above.
I try to escape, to flee.
But the one I am facing is me.

The times have been changing. I feel like someone has wished "interesting times" upon me. The people I'm meeting change me bit by bit, they make me happy. Make it all real, make me feel like I'm high, like the world has lost all composure, come to a grinding stop and turned around just for kicks.

Changing direction each and every time it wants to. I feel without an anchor. I feel like I'm floating. But then I see the light. The eyes which hold my attention. I feel like there is no movement, the world comes to a stop. 

I love myself. I love humanity. But I adore...

Bound

I don't like the sound.

I feel like being chained, restrained, unable to go to where I could. Don't know if I really should. The days seem deeper, the life seems so much cheaper. I wish I could break free and just be able to be plain old me.

Not serving the same cruel old god. Or goddess for that matter. My life's purpose will change, but there I will remain. Deep within that grip, unable to move, unable to leap. I will want to move away, but she will be making me stay.

Keeping the night I will move on.
Change the dreams I have,
see the day I wanted to dare,
change it all, change them too.
Loose myself in me and you.
But you deny me, you keep me there.
You make me suffer, for all you care.

Sincerity

I' mostly sincere with people, because that's the way to true relationships. But sometimes I must lie, and the disconcerting thing about it is how good I am at it. People tend to believe me for some reason or other.

I don't like lying, it's useless and gets you nowhere. The more lies you tell the deeper you sink into your own quicksand.

In quite the same way sincerity can hurt people as they don't know all that's going on around them and some things might hurt them. Sometimes they might feel wounded by a sincere and well meaning criticism, sometimes your feelings might hurt them even though they are true. Sometimes the look in their eyes afterwards will pain you, but some times it's the right thing to do.

So here it is that we come to the "little while lies" as they call them. Lies we tell to shield others. To prevent any pain to them, to help them live happily, in their own little world. Twist their perceptions so they keep deceiving themselves just as you deceived them. Twist their world out of balance and cause more suffering than you prevented in the first place. Keep on telling them they're beautiful, they're incredible, one of a kind, even though you yourself see them as completely average or even worse. Keep lying to them and showing them how you care about them. The wrong way.

I have made amazing mistakes in my life, but none have been as strong in their backlash as lies. Nothing else hurts as much as lies do. And the worst lies of all are the ones you tell yourself. The ones that you deceive yourself with. The ones that make you happy for a time, before they plunge you deeper and deeper into despair.

So what to do? Lie or be sincere?

I've come a long way
Seen better days
wanted to change the world
wanted to play the game.

Lie now and lie again
I dig my grave
and loose my way
in the day or in the night
all that remains
is a heart too tight.

I try to escape
I try to flee
but my own lies
are binding me.

From obsession to obsession

Is there anything like an obsessive compulsive obsession disorder?
I'm unable to take stuff with moderation. Do this, but do it obsessively, keep on doing it until you drop, then keep doing it some more. And then, the next big thing, do that, keep on doing it.

I do have stuff I keep doing all the time, but that never comes close to the obsessions I have.

Playing online games used to be one, ditched that one for sports, which does seem like a much better choice to me, but still. Obsessions cannot end well, or can they?
Keep on obsessing about it, you're going to loose something, someone. But what can I do about it? Should I even be thinking about any course of action or is it unneeded?

Meanwhile the days pass and my life is getting on, becoming better, at least from my point of view.

I meet new people, which I enjoy immensely, and to be honest this is probably my oldest obsession, the oldest drug in my repertoire. I feel a rush when I meet new people, I find the thrill incredible.
I feel alive. I come alive. I feel complete.
I keep on talking and talking becuase I want to know all about them.
This does seems oxymoronic, talking like a maniac to get to know people, but it works. It's much harder to fake reactions than to lie. People react instantly to what you say, without checks, without lies.

The more I think about it the more I see I'm addicted to information. I want to know everything, to know it all. To know all people and thus create myself.

Others shape me much as a potter shapes clay, I change, always and forever, I grow, I'm broken, I reform and I continue on and on. An infinite cycle of creation and destruction, much like the universe, stars being born and dying, but on a much grander scale, on the scale of ME.

What we are is what we do. And from my last months it seems I'm a bike going haywire on the Internet talking to twenty people at once while spinning uncontrollably and in a strange undefined direction. All the while listening to all the music I can get my hand on.

Which brings me to my second oldest obsession: Music.
I listen to it, I enjoy it, it shapes my feelings unlike any art there is. It changes me deep inside and makes me shiver. Makes me hope and love, makes me hate and despair. But the feelings are what makes me happy what makes me be, makes me me.

I've been to a concert on Saturday, a friend plays in the group. It was good, I enjoyed it, it's music that moves me. It makes me think of places to be, of people to see (Although I don't understand half of the lyrics, but that isn't as important as feeling the mood). Which is this band? Momento . Check them out, if you want to that is.

I feel obsessed,
she seems depressed
we talk and talk
trying to get it off our chest

I keep on walking
loosing my heart
making the blinds
showing the right sides.

I go from here to there
chaging everywhere
the potter looks at my face
makes it go to a new place

Shaping the feelings deep inside
I seem to hide
the parts of me that break
and change the waterslide.

Always moving
always changing
always hoping,
rearranging.

PS: The blog has been renamed to "Obsession, my true passion"

The end of the beginning

The days pass by. He looks at the sky. He sees the morning light and knows.

Knows his journey must go on. From deserted city to deserted city, from empty town to empty town. He accepted his fate.

After countless days of walking he finds life. He finds a few people walking about one of the empty cities, a few animals.

He does what must be done. They breathe no more.

He moves on. More towns, more emptyness. Where there was life, there is none as he passes.

He kills as he is meant to. He destroys what life there is left.

After a year of walking and working, he comes to the button. His mission complete as he presses it, to start it anew, this world which was condemned.

The fire engulfs the whole world little by little, magma flows from deep inside the planet. The crust forms. The rains start. After a year there are oceans. But still no life.

After time the machine starts it's work. Changing a molecule here, making a bond there. New changes make new possibilities. The first creatures evolve. Life has started anew.

Time has passed. Millions of years have gone by. There is a species which dominates the planet. It's slowly destroying it.

In the darkness below the crust, a creature awakens. He senses the doom that will be coming soon. He dreads the task ahead. But that is the cycle. That is his purpose. He does not know anything else.

Cowardice

She stepped into the room.
He stared, transfixed, lost in the eyes of the beauty before his life.
Lost for all he looked and looked, but dared not see, dared not speak, afraid to end up looking like a freak.

I was always afraid of it. Not talking to them, I can manage that. I was always afraid of trying to ask them out. I keep blaming low self esteem. I keep saying I'm not good looking enough (hey, I might even be right about that, but who knows). But looks ain't everything. Then I think I may be boring, she may not like my thoughts, she might not like my personality.

I always end up shutting up. Not saying it. Well not always... most of the time. There have been times I talked to girls about such stuff of course (having had girlfriends there was no other way anyway). But it's always been a strange moment that made me do it.

I see her, in all her beauty. My mind strays, I feel the bliss coming on, I can feel myself drifting. Losing it. I'm not there anymore. I'm lost, she has me and there's nothing else to do. I can only give in and disappear into myself. My tongue dries up. I forget how to speak. I just want the moment to last forever. I just wish for the bliss to never end. Take me and let me be there for ever, trapped in it. The moment that gives me all and takes all away.

But that gives me nothing. The moment ends, the bliss stays. She moves away. I want it again, but the coward in me says: "Keep the memory, don't destroy it". And I do. I stay. I keep the memory. And remain a coward.

But I say NAY! Times are a changing. And I should be changing too. Move on. Never stay in the same place. Change like you have changed before.

He wished for them to see
the change coming up in me
here comes the tree
blooming for everyone.

The flowers give up
the life we wait for
loving them to death
we go with the rain.

Disconnected

He walked into the room and saw the life. He saw them talking to each other. He decided to join in. They didn't have any problems accepting him. They liked him, they enjoyed talking to him.
He left.
They don't remember who he is.
Just another day in the life of the disconnected man.

Wondering what it feels to be unknown, to not have any connections in the world? Not to exist?
I felt it, even better, I've been it. Waltzing through life and connecting with people, but just for a moment. Then dropping everything and forgetting. Leaving it alone, staying alone and keeping on and on.

Every day was new. New people to meet every single day. You're a ghost walking through the world, never leaving a trace in the minds of all the people you meet. In the end you disappear.

The never-ending story. The story of a lifetime, of the man who disappeared and nobody missed.

That's what I wished for a long time, how I lived my life. Then I was pulled in. People not letting me go. Not going to let me disappear. I saw it then. Being disconnected is only a fantasy, never anything else. People don't forget you easily. You stay there. They remember. They want more.

I gave up.
You know how they say: If you can't beat them, join them!

The days of his life
trembled in his eye.
They were lost
and afraid.
Of being the last
of being too late.

He never forgot
he remained the same
disconnected from all
the reality gone.

Reactionism

Why are people always opposed to change? Any way you look at it, they always keep attempting to trample it to death. Don't accept it, don't try to work with it, even if it's bad. Just keep going on about it being bad and annoying anything else.

From all I see this seems to stem not from the change itself, but from people's inability to adapt, to change with the change. We believe in an immutable universe where everything is gonna stay the same for all of us and keep us free of any need to change ourselves. But change is progress. It's movement, it means we're not staying in one place rotting to death. I embrace change. I let it flow through me and change me, make me better.

Not all change is good, but it still affects people and makes them better. Better prepared to face it in the end.

Image via Wikipedia

I really enjoyed Dostoyevski's Crime and Punishment. It clearly marks the difference between the few people who are able to embrace change and the many that frown upon it, albeit in a way that might not exactly be socially acceptable. I don't care much for distinctions between a person and the people, as in my view you cannot have a people that is reactionary if it's comprised of only progressive people.

This is still a thing I cannot understand. If anyone has any idea as to how I could deepen my knowledge about this, feel free to comment.

PS: If you wonder where I got this idea, it's from Facebook's new design, you have tons of people now getting "angry" because of the change, opposing it not through any realistic arguments but with absolute BS.

Changing 01001100010011110101011001000101

She reacts to my love
smashes it down
brings in the ones and zeroes
that change in the deep town.

While i try to change myself
make me the one she loves
make the time we never had
the truth we both want.

She has seen me as I was
she never will see me again
in a different light
not ever, not when.

So I seek for change,
to change her to be,
to show her the night
the real night at the bottom of me.

Unsure

I wonder if there is such a thing as stage fright if you write a blog.

I don't really know if these posts will convey what I want to say. What If I am misunderstood, what if I loose someone because of this? This doesn't seem to be a problem when I speak to people, I can understand what they feel (up to a point) and act accordingly. But here I write out my thoughts and people read it, or maybe they don't, and I can have no feeling about them, as I don't see them.

It is probably illogical, just like stage fright, but still, it plagues me. Makes me keep drafts I don't feel should be published only because I feel they might be misunderstood, or even worse, show a part of myself that people will not like, a side not even I know about.

The same goes for the other stuff I write, I'm afraid it's not good enough, but honestly, from time to time, I really think: "It can't hurt can it?".

Another maybe:

God only knows

Tried to live the way they ask,
to do the things they wish to see,
not to cry and not to bleed,
not to sigh and not to need.

I am different
I am change
Listen to me and come to blame
blame the one who keeps the change
who takes the life
and gives the age.

Going to and from is all he does
looking at your life like a pack of lies
never believes in you, nor in himself
he lies to you, gives the life he takes.
Gives it to gods, long since forgotten,
to the gods that lie down in the death,
decomposing and rotten.

The new night, given and taken,
makes you think, makes you awaken.
The dreams you dream,
the screams you scream,
as he takes your life
takes it to the field of strife
and breaks it up for the demon's knife.

He never does threaten,
he never does try
he just finds you in the night
and helps you die.

A walk in the woods

It was a sunny saturday and after taking a nice ride on my bike I decided to go and take a nap in the afternoon, when I hear my mobile screaming for my attention.

Wouldn't you know it, a friend had an idea. He said we should go and check out a gorge in the vicinity of Dragonja (which is a river on the Slovene coast). Being the way I am, I said yes and we went ahead with the plan. We drove there in his trusty old twingo (which got a few new bumps thanks to an awful road), and we faced our first problem as soon as we got out of the car. The problem being a bridge which was not safe for use. So we had to wade our way through the river (man it was cold).

After successfully getting to the other side we went on towards the gorge, I had believed it was a short walk, but my dear friend had decided to take a "shortcut" which led us through the woods, yay. The woods were full of "aggressive" vegetation (the kind which stings), so this became quite an adventure. The shortcut turned out to be all else beside short though. So we took quite some time to get there.

On the way we found a couple of old bangers in the most incredible places. Some places were hard to reach by foot, how in god's name did you get a car there? One example would be in the picture on the right.

On the way we also saw some quite nice sights, and I even saw some of the first flowers in the wild in this year.

Anyway we kept going and when we got to the top above the gorge realized that we don't really have the time to descend if we don't want to return in the dark (considering neither me or him knew that place that well it wouldn't have been a good idea).
I made a couple more photos, which can be seen on Flickr.

Overall I must say that the experience has been pleasant and am really looking forward to exploring the gorge in the coming weeks, if the weather will permit it of course. From the pictures he has shown me it seems to be quite a special place.

Raison d'être

Knowing what to do with my blog has been an unknown for quite some time for me.
There wasn't really any use, or reason for it. Just a test of myself to see if I could actually go and do something akin to writing.
Well you might have notices that insofar it has not been a very successful test. I haven't had any ideas about it, haven't had any stuff to write about and last but not least, I don't see myself as a person important enough to warran any kind of viewership.
Writing to myself has been a nice thing to do for quite some time, but I feel I will be able to write stuff for others as well. Heck, maybe some people will get to know me better through it.

Having written all that I really hope something will come of it. I hope in time some people might actually like it and read it from time to time.

Another poem for the road? What about "Alone" (I don't exactly remember, but I think this one was published in the book "Young People's Book On Non Violence" - a project I helped work on, but more about that another day maybe):

I saw people walk away,
While he was begging us to stay.
I did as they did,
Even if I wanted to stay.

Now I see,
That it was also me.
We could have helped him,
Helped him be seen.

We just did what was easy.
We left him alone.
We left him to die.
Without even saying goodbye.

Inspiration

I will never understand why it works the way it does.
It has been at least 2 years since I last wrote a poem, that is, it was until this wednesday, when I wrote some again. I was walking home and I wrote a couple of lines into my trusty Moleskine notebook (that was a good purchase).
The so called poems were a bit dark in my opinion, but I'm happy enough to be writing some again.

After telling my roommate about it, he said I should be trying harder, so I could write more and be less dependent on inspiration which seems to come in bursts.
This doesn't seem to be a good idea to me as forcing things never works, and I would expect it to be worse with poetry.

Oh, and about the stuff I wrote. You can have one, if you want it:

Dark

The young night
brings a strange light
which wakes me inside
turns my tide.

I wish for morning.