Inebriated

I feel as if I have waited. For years to feel this feeling. THis gfeeling that has no meaning.

My life seems as an empty husk, lost to all, to everything. to us, to you.

I feel like my love has come and gone, my only options and possibility lost to all the time that has passed. My youth seems of no consequence, I am a lost soul, devoid of solutions. I wish for death. I seek it. And yet it doth not come. I shall look for it for eternity, as I am one of the undying brethren. I do wish for death now that love seems to have deserted me. Now is the time to die. Embrace the nothingness that is there. Look at the nothing and enjoy the one feeling there is left. Uselessness. I wish it would take me at last.

I die, slowly, painfully. And this life is over.

I wake up. The world around me is an unknown, I have no knowledge of it. I can see it does not deviate much from the old one. Suffering can be had for no charge. It is easy to live a life of angst. And so I am unable to see any difference at first. But in time it hits me. We change worlds, but the only thing that changes is luck. It was easy in one, while it is hard in the other. I feel the foolishness now. It puts it all into perspective. I have been a lowlife until now. Pay me and let me live, but do not ask anything of me.

Suffer, feel pain, but do not ask love of me. I have decided. God shall not live anymore. For he is too evil to exist.

So I endeavor to kill my own creator. And of his own volition only may I ever succeed.

Large Hadron Collider

Darkness. Absence of light or presence of darkness?

Hours pass. My mind wanders. I feel not a thing wrong with this world. My soul drinks in the happiness of those around me. They cannot see me or hear me for that matter. Touching is something even more remote. This state I have been in. it is the stuff of dreams, or should I say nightmares. Unable to communicate I have been able to learn. There is nothing I cannot understand. The world is my info terminal. I can reach into it and see.

How much time has passed? I don't know, to be honest I don't care. What I cared for is long gone. Now the only thing that still sparks interest in me is the world itself. The ultimate source of information and still the ultimate source of defeat. What I can do is know. What I cannot do is change. I cannot change anything. I cannot work any magic on the people passing me by. There is no solution for my situation. The years have passed. People have died. I have none to love and none to touch. I followed my loves for a long time, but soon they died, while I endured in this questionable state and have seen the reality oppress all and leave no-one unhurt. We shall all suffer through the days. Solution there is none.

I wish for oblivion. But it will come not.

OF COURSE IT WILL COME.

It's you again isn't it? DEATH. That's what you called yourself when I first saw you. And you still try to tell me that you're the death everybody would talk about. But I have not seen you in years.

I WAS BUSY.

Helping people die? Now really. The joke has been going on long enough. If you're DEATH then why will you not kill me.

I AM DEATH, NOT MURDER. I CAN HARDLY KILL YOU. YOU MUST COME TO DEATH ON YOUR OWN.

Yes we have gone through that already. So why exactly am I here?

IT WAS OF YOUR OWN VOLITION.

My own choice? Now that's new. What do you mean by that? It's true that I was doing some experiments with the collider, but that can hardly be of any consequence, or can it?

YOU HAVE BEEN SPLIT.

Split? What do you mean by that?

IT WAS THE GOD PARTICLE.

The Higgs-Boson? But we had disproved that so long ago.

YES.

Then it cannot possibly exist.

POSSIBLY.

This does not make sense. What do you mean possibly?

IT CANNOT POSSIBLY EXIST, BUT IT CAN EXIST IMPOSSIBLY.

If something is impossible then it cannot exist.

NOW, YOU WERE A PHYSICIST ONCE?

Yes.

WHAT IS AN IMPOSSIBILITY?

Something that cannot exist.

IS IT REALLY? IS THERE SUCH A THING? YOU'RE TALKING TO DEATH AND YOU STILL CLUTCH TO THE POSSIBLE AND IMPOSSIBLE?

What pray tell is impossible?

SOMETHING THAT IS INFINITELY IMPROBABLE.

But that can still exist? So you're telling me that I was very lucky?

IN A WAY...

Just kill me. I cannot bear to look at the people anymore. I feel so powerless. I cannot live anymore in this suffering.

YOU WISH TO END IT ALL?

Yes.

WHY DON'T YOU DO IT THEN?

I can't.

REALLY? DID YOU TRY?

Try? TRY? Are you insane? What do you mean try? I have been trying all this time to change something.

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING EXACTLY? HOW TO FEEL MISERABLE? HOW TO FEEL BAD?

So you're telling me that I can change things. You're telling me that I can destroy the universe? What would I be then? God?

ERRR... YES. THAT HAS BEEN THE IDEA ALL ALONG.

How can this be possible? And how come I was not told about it?

WELL, THE GUY BEFORE YOU ASKED ME TO LET YOU GET A FEELING FOR IT BEFORE I INTRODUCED YOU TO YOUR REASON OF EXISTENCE.

Guy before me? You mean GOD? You're not making any sense.

THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE GOD.

Okay. So I am god. Can I kill you?

YES.

Can I kill myself?

YES.

Is there anything I cannot do?

NO.

Die.

At that moment DEATH started disappearing slowly. Turning into dust. And then blown away by a breeze.

IT WAS YOUR CHOICE. ENJOY. OH, AND THANKS!

Turns out killing death was a bad idea. And it seems that he lied to me. There is one thing I cannot do. I can never bring him back. The sly bastard.

A dream

I stumble through the streets. My body is heavy, I can barely move. The minutes seem longer and longer. The bar where the reception was held is behind me. Only 40 meters or so. But no-one sees me. The security personnel is oblivious to my presence, my bodyguard has gone somewhere, god knows where.

FAST FORWARD

I am stumbling into a casino. YELLOW. It is full of people but no-one helps me. I half expected security to pick me up, throw me out or call an ambulance. I meet her, Persephone, I have not seen her for years, but she is as beautiful as I have ever remembered her. She looks stunning and I cannot help myself but feel aroused. She looks at me and sees I'm walking strange, at first I half expect her to just ignore me like everybody else but she calmly strolls towards me and kisses me.

I feel like I'm years older. I feel like that time on the station circling Venus. I can feel like I'm in heaven again. It feels so right.

I kiss her back. She drags me to a big yellow room, which is strangely enough devoid of any living souls. What does she want of me is the only question floating in my mind at the moment. And then she starts undoing my shirt. My pants follow. She's taking off her dress. My mind is floating. I'm feeling drowsier and drowsier. I can feel her touching me and I can feel the aching in my groin.

FAST FORWARD

I am outside of the casino. The drowsiness gone, but I'm still srange. Something is changing in my organism, I can feel some kind of drug going through me and my pharmacopoeia is still baffled by it all. There seems to be no drug to counteract it. There seems to be no information of what exactly it is.

I am slowly slipping into the space between sleep and wakefulness. I am still here, I am still walking, but my mind is changing. My thoughts are not my own anymore. They wonder. And I can feel the change in tone and the wish for more.

FAST FORWARD

I wake up in an unknown bed. On the left Persephone, on the right her daughter Leia. I feel shame rising and at the same time a throbbing sensation at the groin. I cannot help myself but feel aroused by the most beautiful women alive. This world has gone mad. What am I doing here in a hotel room with the wife and daughter of the most powerful man in the universe. How can I be the defiler of the Owner's possessions.

I move out of the bed, still drowsy, but feeling that there is something missing. The strange feeling inside is still going on, i check the pharmacopoeia and there is no response. It is dead. There is no security for my life, I can suffer a heart attack and the drugs will not be automatically administered to stop it and save my life. I might as well shoot myself. There is no chance for me.

Then again I could wait for the Owner's goons. They would take care of the problem for me. By slowly killing me and making me suffer for my degrading actions.

The one thing that bothers me is:

„Why?“

I have not chosen this. I do not even have the slightest recollection of this. This has been like eating an apple and not tasting it. It was like having the best massage and not feeling it, like having listened to the best performance while not hearing a single note. I do not understand what is happening. All the technology installed in me has failed me. There are no recordings, no safety and no memories. I do not know what to do anymore.

There is only one instinct left. It says: „Run“. It keeps repeating it, it started shouting it long ago. So, if only to shut it up, I do.

I run on and on, get off of the planet and hide in an asteroid belt.

FAST FORWARD

I am standing over a dead body. A knife in my right hand, bloody and gory, some unknown part of the being in front of me still attached to the knife. I try to remember what happened, but the only thing in my mind is hiding, and now this? I am standing over this lifeless body that I do not even know, I do not see who he is, inadvertently I move closer, I try to see who it is when it dawns on me. Those robes, only one person is allowed to wear them, only one person can own them, and in term he owns the whole universe. I could not see it from all the blood and gore, but now I

knew, I had killed the Owner.

Time seemed to speed up right then, I could feel adrenaline pumping through my veins and I could feel some force inside me giggling through a grin. It was laughing at me. It was happy with the outcome, and it wanted me to die, slowly.

I jumped the first ship i could and was out of the current galaxy in minutes.

FAST FORWARD

I am at the helm of the private-transport-vessel Carina. I am behind the controls and I can only see a star in front of us. There is a distant alarm going on in the cockpit, but I cannot hear it. All I can hear is a maniacal laughter inside of me. It is gloating and it is happy. Before I forget about everything else I manage to check the master HUD. It says impact unavoidable. The engines have been detached. We are on an impact course without possibility of escape. So we will die.

„You will die.“

I could barely make it out from all of the maniacal laughter in my head. And suddenly it stopped.

„Yes, you will die. I have succeed. I have finally killed the Owner. I have managed to destroy the remains. And now my friend, it is your time. Your memories will be rushing back any minute. My strength is gone and so will be the spell. Enjoy your trinkets before you die a quick death in the furnace of the universe.“

With that the pharmacopoeia came back on line and was administering drugs that were slowly calming me, but I stopped it. I needed the clarity to escape. And then the memories came. My mind was overrun with all the pleasures I had had in the time of my temporary insanity. I could see my movements, I could see myself moving on and I could see the deaths of the guards and the death of the Owner. I could see the gloating way in which I dismembered him.

There was no more time. I had to turn around. But there was no solution to it. The slow maniacal laughter was still there, but behind some wall, hiding.

„Who are you?“

„I'm you, I have always been you, I have always given you what you could not get, even when there was no way for it. I am here, but I am nowhere at the same time. I have no life, but I live all the same. I have no feelings, but I am made only of them. You will die and I will die with you, but I will still live. I am as ancient as the universe and as young as the youngest bit of the start before you.“

„You are nothing and no-one, you are not me or anyone else, you are the one who will hate us all while feeling the deepest love for all of humanity. You will kill us with no remorse while still mourning the lifeless bodies. What have I done to merit such a treatment. What have I done?”

“Nothing, wrong is nothing to me. All you have to know is that you will die. And I will live. And I will gloat. And I have won.”

Change of a lifetime

Her eyes captivate me. They make me wish for the unthinkable. I want her to merge with me and see what I see, feel what I feel. I wish for us to enjoy the old pleasures that have been taken away.

We have evolved. We can see things we could not before, we can feel the faintest breeze and touch the smallest point. We can feel the tiniest prick on our hands, and we can smell the faintest smell. But we cannot anymore love. We have lost the ability, not lost, removed it with our own hands. To become something more. Something which cannot be stopped and will not be distracted by our own inefficacies. And so it was removed. Taken. Destroyed.

The ones who could still feel it have been segregated. They have been herded like cattle, as that is what they must be since they have not been able to step onto the highest step of evolution with us. They are unworthy and cannot be tolerated. So we herd them and feed them, but first we sterilize them. They shall not poison our genetic material with their inferiority. They will live out their life and be without any children, as only we are pure enough to bear the most important fruit, our own progeny.

The days passed, the loving ones grew old and weak. At last they died. They had met their own demise in a right and true way. They had helped us become more by leaving this place and enabling us to take it and make it better. The world has since thrived. We have expanded immensely and have come to the end of ability for the world, so we are expanding onwards. And will live in time in the whole universe, populating it with our intelligence and logical thinking. The will be no more feelings. Our own race will gain absolute power and reign supreme.

But you love her.

We will see what is true and keep on going in this world you call your own. We will take overe every last vestige of your life and make it ours. This has been foretold and this is what we have to carry out.

She loves you as well.

There will be no acceptance of feelings from any of our soldiers and they will kill as many enemies as possible.

You need her close.

I am one of the select few. The ones that have been deemed strong and pure enough to choose for our civilization, we are the ones who have the right to move on and change the common knowledge, change our goals.

You love her.

We will be the ones to determine our future moves and doings.

You love her!

Are these what they call feelings? What is this pain in my chest. Why am I clutching it. Should I report myself. Am I malfunctioning? What is going on? Why does Darr's face keep coming up in my mind? What has happened to me. This cannot be true. I am clean. I am pure. I have no feelings.

You had no feelings.

What is this voice in my head? What is it trying to tell me? What do you mean 'had'?

You have evolved.

Evolved? Getting feelings means evolving? That is devolution, pure and simple. I refuse to go back to the useless times when our people were just puppets of their own feelings. I will not give up what we have accomplished.

You love her. You cannot forget your feelings. You will continue to feel this sensation. This will never end.

I cannot accept this. I must turn myself in.

And loose her forever?

What? What do you mean loose? They will make me better, there must be something wrong, my brain must have had an error. There must be a logical explanation.

Love is not an error, it is not a function, love just 'is'.

This is unacceptable. I will not tolerate this. I, I, I, I'm turning myself in.

After a brief exchange with an officer on the phone he was informed that they would be picking him up shortly. After minutes that passed like hours he heard a knock. He opened the door to see the last thing he would ever see in his life. The light was so beautiful and bright. The warmth so welcoming. He felt joy as his brain exploded and was spattered all over the room. The laser hummed after the firing. The heat emanating from the capacitors a dead giveaway of firing.

Darr walked into the room, searched for any evidence of her ever existing in his life. She found none. Crying she collapsed to the floor.

You loved him. Why did you do it? What have you accomplished?

Slowly she takes out a remote. It looks as any other remote but for the concealed button just behind the battery cover. She removes it and presses the button. The world is enveloped by a bright red glow, she feels the warmth and hopes she will be reunited with Trim on the other side. Provided there is one.

Night of light

I would like to thank Michael for the help on this piece:

As the days pass on and the nights become the unsung kings of the time the one person to shun it all is the one who will come to love them most.

The nights seem to beckon to us. To join them and enjoy them, to see the deepest dark within them and feel the dread and love that is born within it. We look at them and choose to fear, while love lurks deep behind a haunted veil and screams in pain when we forget it. But the nights beckon to her in a way noone can see. She walks in the night and feels the love hidden in the dark, whimpering and wishing for a new chance. So she takes the cold hand and infuses it with light. The light that shines upon all of us at night.

The moon becomes the beacon in the sky, people can see that love cannot just be passed by. We need the feeling that changes us inside, we need it to be to live in the night. The fear is then shunned, it is pushed out of sight, as we keep on hoping for the most beautiful night. But hope is not all that in the night it is born, what then we have all is the move and the thorn, that prickles the skin, make the blood run in a thin, line which we hope will bring us back to the rope. The rope that leads the way to the future that can say: "Oh all my loves that be, come with me and i'll make you see that I'm the one with which you want to be."

So we take on the night. We enjoy it's best sight. We see the new dawn and we hope and go on. Our hearts have been unlatched. Our own sight has been touched. What we want now to be is a part of the we. We want to belong, to all together sing a song, an ode may it be to the love that in the night, makes us all see that we are meant not to be me but to change and be we.

They made us so

As one day I walk through the door I feel a little tug at my sleeve. I look at it and nothing is there. I can feel it again, but nothing seems to be there. I shrug it off as a random feeling but cannot help feeling puzzled.

I continue on my day. I do my job, the very exciting job of searching for lost cats.

Who would ever have thought that cats would become such a rare commodity, noone expected it, but soon the reports of missing cats started pouring in. On that fated monday. At first it was paranoia, but then the people noticed the cats would seem gone but you could still feel their presence somehow. They would still seem to have a want for food or milk. They would not be seen, but the milk and food would vanish, straight into thin air.

As time passed people needed help, and where there is a need there is a profit.

So I opened a cat finding business. And sometimes I would succeed, sometimes the cat would just turn up in front of me, sometimes I would get it straight into my face and would be forced to shake it off. But never have I found one of the invisible ones, so I was already putting it down to myth or old women's tales. But neither made any sense.

And then it would start, the small tugs, the feeling of something watching. A low purr as I accidentally rubbed against some furniture. As the days passed into months such occasions would grow more and more common. These days I could not go for an hour without getting the strange feeling.

But it was always fleeting, just as if it was some thought at the back of my mind. Something that noone would remeber, something all would forget.

And the days passed, finding cats, sometimes not seeing any at all.

The day I met Sam will be one I will never forget:

I was asked to recover a cat, older than any before. I was given a photo and told a name. The reward would be great but I would have to bring back the cat to see any of it.

And so I started on an epic journey that comprised of such things as walking, talking and looking.

As any and all of my investigations this one was mostly boring. The interesting stuff happened to other people. Nothing of importance would ever happen to me.

That was until I met Sam. Sam was of course, not unexpectedly, being the cat. And Sam definitely was THE cat.

He was the reason. And above all he was the ruler.

We had not known, we had thought ourselves in control, all the while Sam and his subjects were pointing us in the way the wanted us to go. We did whatever they wanted and helped us think we were the rulers. A small nudge here, a prod there, a carefully placed paw into a lap. We were being played like chums, and our own belief that we are the best has never wavered since. We have decided the fate of our civilization for ages have we not?

And this is the story that Sam told me:

There once was a cat, who foresaw the rise of a new people, people who would be able to understand them and who would see to their needs in time. But the one thing the old cat saw was a Chance. He had been a student for many a year, they had studied if it was possible for new life forms to evolve, for new creatures as intelligent as them to roam this blue furball called earth.

So he proposed the Test: " Place this new species in a controlled enviroment and conceal our own intelligence, do not change their behaviour, do not give them intelligence. Let it come."

So we sat and watched over humanity, avoiding any interfering. The years passed and turned into centuries, the centuries into millenia. And after years of following the one Rule: "Do not interfere", it was removed by one of us. The leader at the time decided humanity needed guidance and as such removed the Rule. He would still not tolerate his subjects to show their intelligence, but we were free to manipulate from the shadows.

And so we rule the world. You people believe us and love us. There were wars, but we would not stop them, for we believe you humans needed them the same as you believe we need the string you sometimes dangle in front of us (Which curiously enough we think of as playtime for our own pets, humans).

And then it came, the day of the first cat to move away from the phisical and into the place of the souls. A day of happiness and love, as it was time for us to reveal ourselves. To show you what we have learned and to make you see what is wrong. For we will not be here for long anymore. And you will have to live your own lives, without your masters and friends.

What we overlooked was our own evolution. We became enamored with yours so ours did not pose any interest to us, or we would have seen. Some of my brethren have gone to nirvana as you humans would put. They have attained another plane, another option. And so they are forced to leave this place in search for new and exciting lands.

But we felt we needed to help you. We felt you would not be able to survive without our help. We were afraid you would kill yourselves in one of your wars. And so some of us stayed, to change you to the better and to make you survive. We feel now that you will be able to survive without us.

Because of this I have felt that I have to break the last rule. I have felt that I need to tell one of you so you will forever know. Where the cats went and who the cats were.

Goodbye.

At that moment there came a slight woosh. And Sam was gone, as was my business model. The days of the cats slowly dissapeared. At first there was confusion, but later the world just started again. We were happy and we thrived, and in time, we hope, we will join the cats on the higher plane, but this time as equals.

The truth out there - or how to spot a difference

As I live from day to day and enjoy my life, sometimes things change, and sometimes it's for the worst. But I never see it. The truth is useless. I see what I see and I like to do it like that. There are no limits, nothing you cannot do, the only attitude I know is "Can DO! Will DO!". Giving up will not bring you to being great.

Sometimes I embellish the truth, sometimes it is for myself, sometimes for others, sometimes it does not have a reason. You can call it lying, but if that's what it is; I have been lying to myself for my whole life, and my life has been better for it. There is no news here, it is something I have known for a long time. What you do is what you are, what you are is what you love, what you love is everything that ever counts.

So the days go on, I live, I love, I feel, I cry, I lie. But the point of it all is the change in the world, it stems from us all.

What I must not forget is people, friends, family, lovers.
And I am truly thankful for the last week that has passed, I have met an amazing bunch of people, some of them I had known before, some of them I have met for the first time. I will miss them dearly as they have left a mark on my heart a sense of longing has been gripping me for the last two days.

For friends we may be
you, him, they, me.
We will always come
to see it again
how we together have lain
the days that have passed
hoping the time will soon be
for me and you again to be we.

The days will pass
I will see a new mass
the people and streets
but what I will miss will be
all the people's greets,
missing the wave
never being a slave
but once giving up
and hoping for a new crave.

It will never come,
I will hope for some,
of the newest drug,
but I will end up smug,
thinking of the times,
I have met people aplenty,
and then I will again feel,
just a little bit empty.