Friday, September 25, 2009

The lifeless life

Woke up. Morning. Cannot remember going to sleep. The lingering dream slowly escapes me and I find myself trapped in the everyday.
Again I find myself doing the same old, same old. Not even remembering if the dream I had had been amazing or downright normal.

That's how days pass lately. Nothing new, nothing special, all the same.

Back to the loss of time called life. This thing I'm not living anymore. I'm just continuing on this path I put myself on, was in part put on, and keep going at it with the speed of a freight train and with as much excitement.

The days pass, turn into months and I don't see anymore what the point in life it. I decide to end it. Here lies John will be written on the tombstone overlooking my grave. My usual grave in the usual cemetery of the usual man.

I wake up in the morning. I'm still alive. I had taken enough pills to kill a horse but I'm still breathing. And the lingering dream lingers a bit more than usual. And I remember something about control. Gone again!

The day passes as any other. But I only think of finishing what I started. So the rope is set, there is a chair. And I can feel myself drift into nothingness as the rope tightens around my neck. The chair making the usual thud as it falls.

Morning. Dream lingering. The feeling of control from the dream gets stronger. It captivates me. I want to keep it forever. And as I think about it it's gone. There is no more. The memory gone. The dream a thing of the past.

The chair is still on the floor. The rope hangs, unused right above it.

Another day. Dying the prevailing thought.

I get home, fill up the tub. Prepare wires, replace the fuse with a nail. Go into the water, drop the wires, drift into nothingness.

The dream stays there for long. I can see myself controlling it all, the world is my slave, it does what I want. Even waking up I can still feel a small amount of the power permeating through me. I feel like I can still bend it to my will. And then. Nothing.

Another day. I wish I was dead already.

This time I decide to take it beyond failure. I climb on top of the highest building in town. And jump off. As I hit the pavement, so does the pain. I drift into nothingness.

I wake up, in my usual bed, with the dream painfully scorched into my mind. I can see the way I did it in the dream. I see I can still do it. I can control the world. I can change it. I can meld it to my wishes. Anything I want will happen. So I decide this would be a nice day to die. I think of it. I choose it.

There is a big woosh. John dissapears while standing in the middle of the road. And the people around him act as if he never existed.

Slowly reality collapses. The only reason for it's existence gone.

Morning comes never again.

Thursday, September 17, 2009


Change the way you think,
move from darkness to the light
reach for the newest might
be the only real link.
Keep us al together,
let us move from there to here,
make us forget about the fear
take us all on the journey
bringing light into our eyes
making us renounce the lies.
What we do is what we are
when we do it is the time
that will help us change the world
make the story be re-told.
I wish for honey
I wish for bees
I wish for enemies on their knees
I wish for stories to be told
I wish for days to last and hold.
What I want is of no concern,
let us all just live and learn.
We have come so far, have we not?
We have learned so much, have we not?
We have done so much, have we not?
But really, have we?
Have we progressed from our own existence that has been going on for millenia?
Deep inside us the animal resides,
it feeds on hatred and keeps us sparse.
What it wants is not small nor thin,
it wants to feed, to wear our skin.
I'm wandering through my mind and losing myself. Feeling at a loss and not knowing when I will be going out from here, feeling the love and hate that all feel.
What strikes me as strange is that I feel that I know, I know people as much as you can, but still they can't really understand. Knowing somebody does not depend on time, it depends on the feelings that reside in you. As many may know as you might by now, I am an idealist, and I might be a bir romantic at that. I believe that there is something good in everybody, so that is what I seek. I also believe that you can "know" people without knowing them. I believe you can know them in an instant, when you meet. Time is relative, personalities are not.

Sunday, September 13, 2009


As the world collapses around you, the only thing that you still see is yourself. Trapped between life and death you struggle and try to free yourself from a fate that is as inevitable as it is cruel. You feel your heart being squeezed by those last few wishes you now know will go unfulfilled forever and you feel regret. Regret that you did not do it all, you regret losing your first love, you regret the desperate things you did to keep yourself the same.

The times change, people go away. You still keep on dying slowly inside, full of regrets, full of wishes, seeing the end come closer and closer to squeezing the last drop out of your chest.

You see the eyes that beckon to you, they wish you would join them. She smiles at you and you feel the pain slacken, you feel the leash tighten as you jump and try to save yourself by grasping at that straw that she represents. And then it is taken. You feel as your fate has never been as cruel, the pain redoubles, you loose control the only wish being to free yourself of the pain. To choose death instead of suffering. You're prepared to jump into the last cowardly action of your life, and in turn take it yourself.

But as you think you have come to the end, as destruction looms over you, as it reaches out the fingers made of bone and hate, of tendons and pain, of cartilage and suffering, the realization dawns on you. You do not wish to be a coward, you wish for a life that changes the bounds of what you are and the what the world thinks, it blurs the vision of a clear early morning as the clouds that were far now clouding your judgement are thinning and loosing control.

You decide for the life, which while still painful does not seem as pointless, you go through the days and see the nights, the stars show you love, the moon shows compassion. I cannot do differently but feel my passion.

The sword on my throat
the shield on my breast
the weight on my chest.

I feel so confined
the fate she divined
has fallen on me
broken the live
burned the tree.

The twilight it comes
with warriors and drones
it charges at me
makes me not be.

I wish for a night
full of love, of delight,
but the powers that be
cannot let me be.

Friday, September 11, 2009


My destiny is my choice. I do whatever I want to, I change it according to my wishes, according to my feelings. I wield my destiny and use it as a sword to strike down my enemies. I use it as a feather with which I stroke my ego. I use it to change my own and other people lives.

And in the end I break free of it and be rid of the things that bind me. I break free and see the changes in the world. I see no enemy, only friends that haven't been met yet. External enemies are created by your own ego, they don't really exist (Reference: Revolver ). We are but tools to our own egos which have the deepest need of preserving themselves.

I am thankful for my friends which support me and make me happy in an amazing myriad of ways, all of which help me develop and grow. I am thankful for it all, but also proud. As I do not believe in a god, I believe in myself, I believe in my abilities, and I believe I can keep on making friends, and nurturing the bonds that they allow me to have.

So what I say today is: Drop it all, go out and make a friend. And forget about enemies. Anyone can make enemies, only few can keep on making friends.


I sing this ode to the ones who feel
to the ones that take the steel
take it cold and make it hot
change it in ways I cannot.

As I hold it in my hand I see
that the feelings flow through me
they keep me warm as I see the form
that keeps me going on and on.

I sing this ode to the ones who feel
the ones that take the cold heart
and give it heat
I wish that many I can meet.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Days before you came

My life going crazy. 
Trying to join myself in thinking.
Days keep going and coming,
my wishes never becoming
the reality I seek.
So each new day makes me weak.
The bliss is all,
all I seek,
give it to me and I will come clear,
I will tell you who I hold dear. 
My wishes devour all that I love,
spit out the greatest fear.
Make it attack from above.
I try to escape, to flee.
But the one I am facing is me.
The times have been changing. I feel like someone has wished "interesting times" upon me. The people I'm meeting change me bit by bit, they make me happy. Make it all real, make me feel like I'm high, like the world has lost all composure, come to a grinding stop and turned around just for kicks.
Changing direction each and every time it wants to. I feel without an anchor. I feel like I'm floating. But then I see the light. The eyes which hold my attention. I feel like there is no movement, the world comes to a stop. 
I love myself. I love humanity. But I adore...