Bound

I don't like the sound.

I feel like being chained, restrained, unable to go to where I could. Don't know if I really should. The days seem deeper, the life seems so much cheaper. I wish I could break free and just be able to be plain old me.

Not serving the same cruel old god. Or goddess for that matter. My life's purpose will change, but there I will remain. Deep within that grip, unable to move, unable to leap. I will want to move away, but she will be making me stay.

Keeping the night I will move on.
Change the dreams I have,
see the day I wanted to dare,
change it all, change them too.
Loose myself in me and you.
But you deny me, you keep me there.
You make me suffer, for all you care.

Sincerity

I' mostly sincere with people, because that's the way to true relationships. But sometimes I must lie, and the disconcerting thing about it is how good I am at it. People tend to believe me for some reason or other.

I don't like lying, it's useless and gets you nowhere. The more lies you tell the deeper you sink into your own quicksand.

In quite the same way sincerity can hurt people as they don't know all that's going on around them and some things might hurt them. Sometimes they might feel wounded by a sincere and well meaning criticism, sometimes your feelings might hurt them even though they are true. Sometimes the look in their eyes afterwards will pain you, but some times it's the right thing to do.

So here it is that we come to the "little while lies" as they call them. Lies we tell to shield others. To prevent any pain to them, to help them live happily, in their own little world. Twist their perceptions so they keep deceiving themselves just as you deceived them. Twist their world out of balance and cause more suffering than you prevented in the first place. Keep on telling them they're beautiful, they're incredible, one of a kind, even though you yourself see them as completely average or even worse. Keep lying to them and showing them how you care about them. The wrong way.

I have made amazing mistakes in my life, but none have been as strong in their backlash as lies. Nothing else hurts as much as lies do. And the worst lies of all are the ones you tell yourself. The ones that you deceive yourself with. The ones that make you happy for a time, before they plunge you deeper and deeper into despair.

So what to do? Lie or be sincere?

I've come a long way
Seen better days
wanted to change the world
wanted to play the game.

Lie now and lie again
I dig my grave
and loose my way
in the day or in the night
all that remains
is a heart too tight.

I try to escape
I try to flee
but my own lies
are binding me.

From obsession to obsession

Is there anything like an obsessive compulsive obsession disorder?
I'm unable to take stuff with moderation. Do this, but do it obsessively, keep on doing it until you drop, then keep doing it some more. And then, the next big thing, do that, keep on doing it.

I do have stuff I keep doing all the time, but that never comes close to the obsessions I have.

Playing online games used to be one, ditched that one for sports, which does seem like a much better choice to me, but still. Obsessions cannot end well, or can they?
Keep on obsessing about it, you're going to loose something, someone. But what can I do about it? Should I even be thinking about any course of action or is it unneeded?

Meanwhile the days pass and my life is getting on, becoming better, at least from my point of view.

I meet new people, which I enjoy immensely, and to be honest this is probably my oldest obsession, the oldest drug in my repertoire. I feel a rush when I meet new people, I find the thrill incredible.
I feel alive. I come alive. I feel complete.
I keep on talking and talking becuase I want to know all about them.
This does seems oxymoronic, talking like a maniac to get to know people, but it works. It's much harder to fake reactions than to lie. People react instantly to what you say, without checks, without lies.

The more I think about it the more I see I'm addicted to information. I want to know everything, to know it all. To know all people and thus create myself.

Others shape me much as a potter shapes clay, I change, always and forever, I grow, I'm broken, I reform and I continue on and on. An infinite cycle of creation and destruction, much like the universe, stars being born and dying, but on a much grander scale, on the scale of ME.

What we are is what we do. And from my last months it seems I'm a bike going haywire on the Internet talking to twenty people at once while spinning uncontrollably and in a strange undefined direction. All the while listening to all the music I can get my hand on.

Which brings me to my second oldest obsession: Music.
I listen to it, I enjoy it, it shapes my feelings unlike any art there is. It changes me deep inside and makes me shiver. Makes me hope and love, makes me hate and despair. But the feelings are what makes me happy what makes me be, makes me me.

I've been to a concert on Saturday, a friend plays in the group. It was good, I enjoyed it, it's music that moves me. It makes me think of places to be, of people to see (Although I don't understand half of the lyrics, but that isn't as important as feeling the mood). Which is this band? Momento . Check them out, if you want to that is.

I feel obsessed,
she seems depressed
we talk and talk
trying to get it off our chest

I keep on walking
loosing my heart
making the blinds
showing the right sides.

I go from here to there
chaging everywhere
the potter looks at my face
makes it go to a new place

Shaping the feelings deep inside
I seem to hide
the parts of me that break
and change the waterslide.

Always moving
always changing
always hoping,
rearranging.

PS: The blog has been renamed to "Obsession, my true passion"